How to Holiday in 2020

The holidays can be some of the most difficult weeks of the years for some people. Some live alone, some have difficult family relationships, others feel swallowed by all the expectations of perfect meals and gifts and traditions, and for others it can simply be the reminder that while all may look and taste and seem all right with the world, we know deep inside us that our world is not okay. 2020 will be worse than normal.

Some have allowed the research, science, and discoveries that are still happening around COVID19 to become politicized (on both the right and the left). Some refuse to limit their liberties for a short time until a vaccine can reach the most vulnerable of the population. Others live in fear of their liberties being even more restricted and still others live in fear for their own lives and susceptibility to the illness.

One thing unites us right now: we all have both fears and faith. For some of us, our faith is in the Lord, for others, it's in a vaccine, for others it's in their own belief that they're responsible individuals who won't spread it, and for others, it's that should they catch it, they'll be okay. These beliefs are deeply held values and, even if we strongly disagree and think someone else is wrong, we can only make decisions for ourselves. We can't make someone else do what we are doing in faith. We can have conversations. We can ask good questions. We can plead our case. But at the end of the day, each one has to decide in his own heart what he's going to do.

In our home, we've made the decision that it is worth it to us to limit our liberties for another 6-12 months until the most vulnerable and front line workers can receive the vaccine. We aren't making value statements on mask wearing, social distancing, vaccines, etc.. We're simply saying, as much as it depends on us, we can limit our personal freedom. Doing this at all is difficult, doing it right after moving across the country has some unique challenges, but we are full of faith and exercising cheerfulness in our hearts, generally, with plenty of sadness woven in. We know others who are choosing the same route and for them it is mostly sadness peppered with a bit of cheer. None of us will have uniform experiences. And you may be doing something totally different. That is your right, prerogative, and freedom.

I wanted to offer some thoughts on how to navigate the next few months with family, friends, and others who disagree with the choices you're making. Whether you're someone who's breaking out the double ovens this Thanksgiving and whose brunch table will be full on Christmas Day, or you're someone who will be making tiny replicas of large holiday spreads and whose tree holds beneath it eight gifts or fewer, I hope this will help us think through the dynamics.

1. Everyone's emotions are heightened during these months. We feel everything more deeply, more joyfully, more magically, more sadly, more depressively. That's not unique to 2020, that's just the holidays in general. Think about that when saying or responding to everyone in your life right now. Multiply your kindness, gentleness, self-control.

2. Everyone is probably doing their best right now. Some are doing their best when they issue an invitation, others are doing their best when they refuse it. Assume everyone you talk to right now is doing their best.

3. All bets are off right now. Traditions will be wonky or sparse or there's going to be one or seven people noticeably absent or those one or seven people will feel noticeably absent. Instead of planning for regular traditions right now, plan, right now for no regular traditions. Even if everyone in your family is still gathering, lots of families are not, and that may change your gathering, like it or not.

4. Work really hard in these next few months to not virtue signal. That's tough with a lame duck session and one president on his way out and another on his way in, and a very politicized election year. But, as much as it depends on you, refrain from making your personal opinion on the pandemic and the election and current events, the rule for everyone. An example of this might be, "We're only buying from small and local sources this year because otherwise these small businesses will go out of business." That might very well be true and it's within your rights to do so, however, saying that this year is only going to be showing your privilege. Save it for 2021. There are a lot of families who are really hurting financially this year and ordering a cheap toy from Amazon for their kid and regular old Swiss Miss from Walmart is the only thing that's giving them joy this year. Let them have it. Just take a breath and let them have it.

5. If you do not plan on gathering with friends and family at parties and dinners, etc., right now would be a good time to clearly communicate to all of them. Set the expectations, make sure everyone knows you're not trying to hurt anyone, you're just making a decision that seems wise right now. A small gathering of 15-20 people can become a super-spreader event with one cough or sneeze. Just say that. You're not making a statement on the efficacy of masks or the politicization of vaccine's or anyone's voting record. Remember, everyone's emotions are high right now, so keeping things simple is going to be better for a few months. There are some fights that need to be had, just to be clear, but they might not necessarily need to be had over the holidays.

6. If you are planning to gather with family and friends, and you issue an invitation that someone must refuse, just let them have it. Acknowledge the difficulty of making that decision, say you're sad and you'll miss them, ask if there's any way you can make the holidays better for them, and then leave it alone. Don't keep asking every week. Respect their boundaries. These are really difficult choices to make.

7. Lastly, get out a paper and pen and begin to plan for your adjusted holidays right now. Write down ways to make it special even if it's just two of you. Or special for the grandkids who aren't coming—how can you make it special for them? Or special for your neighbor who lives alone? That's my plan for today. How do I make these short, cold, dark days feel warm and alive and full of the expectancy of Christ, even with the absence of those I love most?

Just like the whole of 2020, this year hasn't been what we might have hoped for in January. It's been a lot of hard and a lot of good and a lot of pain and a lot of everything. But holidays are not primarily about family and friends. They are primarily about giving thanks to God, the incarnation of Christ, the newness and freshness of the year. Family and friends can help us feel more celebratory, but they're not the point. They fill in the circle, but they're not the center of it. In all of our interactions with others these months, let's remember Who is at the center of our worship, adoration, expectancy, and hope. That might be cheesy, but it's also true.