Another Evil on Another Street in America
In the middle of the coverage from San Bernardino yesterday I got a text from my husband: "SWAT just showed up two doors down!"
A few minutes later: "Shots fired!"
Expected during that moment if we lived in San Bernardino perhaps, but we live in Denver. In a nice little up and coming neighborhood in the northwest part of the city. If you mention our neighborhood to those who've been here all their life, they recall stories of being warned to stay away from The Highland because of its high crime rates. In the past five years, though, crime is at an all-time low, housing prices keep rising, and it's becoming one of the coveted neighborhoods in Denver.
Police surrounded our block yesterday until late into the night. At the end of it all, there was a dead fugitive and a wounded SWAT officer. When we knew it was safe, hours into the ordeal, my husband brought a mug of coffee and a bottled drink out to the policeman standing in the middle of the street outside our house. He'd been brandishing a rifle while diverting traffic and answering questions for hours. We should have offered him a bathroom break too, but I doubt he would have taken it.
. . .
The first real conversation I ever had with my husband was about pacificsm, a few days later he shared his testimony (a story wrought with theological fervor and marital failure) with a group of our friends, and the next day he and I got coffee and talked more about the pacifist way. He wasn't my first friend who had walked through these questions, but he was the first person I'd met in Texas who had. It wasn't love at first sight for either of us, but it was curiosity for sure. You know the rest of the story.
Scattered throughout our home, in pieces so varied and complex I don't know what we'd do if it ever came to it, are the components to a firearm. I spend most of my time trying to forget it's in our home and when I remember I remind myself 1. It would take thirty minutes to gather all the pieces. 2. I don't know how to put them together. 3. I don't know the first thing about shooting a gun. And 4. I can't imagine ever pointing a gun at someone.
But it doesn't change the fact that the gun is present, in our home.
. . .
A few weeks ago my car was vandalized. I thought it was the work of hoodlums in the neighborhood south of us, and maybe it was, but the more we thought about it and asked others about it, it became clear: vandalizing was not their sole purpose, car thievery was. The only conclusion we've come to is they saw it was a stick shift or they got caught in the middle. Either way, we're grateful to still have a car. Locked safely now (or so we think) in our garage.
Does all this matter? And how?
. . .
This morning Nate and I talked about a trip he's taking in a few weeks and how, in all my life, I've never been afraid to be alone before. But here, in these days, in this place, I fear. The other day a salesman knocked on our door and I had to self-talk the entire time that he wasn't going to push open the cracked door, rape me, and pillage our home. Fear is present, where it never has been before.
Things weren't like this 25 years ago, I told Nate this morning. He told me studies were done once on soldiers from WWII: something around 50% of soldiers purposely didn't aim guns at their enemies because the taking of a human life was not something they could do.
. . .
I stayed up late praying last night. I wanted to pray for the soul of the man who was killed but my beliefs tell me it's too late for that, and a repentant man doesn't do the atrocities he did. I pray for the SWAT officer instead, not the one who was wounded, but the one who killed the fugitive. What a heavy weight to bear it must be to have taken the life of a man—however worthless you can convince yourself that life was.
. . .
The ink is barely dry on the page of the Colorado Springs shooting a few days ago, the media is alight with San Bernardino, and in a playground in New Orleans a young man shot at 17 individuals last week. The world is too much with us, the poet said, and I think he was speaking of evil, evil, everywhere.
The refrain from O, Holy Night repeats in my head again:
His law is love and his gospel is peace.
For most these days, the law feels ignored and his gospel divides. There is not one of us who can say we feel safe but for the grace of God. And even with the grace of God, hundreds of thousands find themselves fleeing persecution and no one is safe from the bullet of a madman bent on destruction.
Where is the love and peace we were promised?
. . .
I have no end to this piece, no pretty packaged completion.Tomorrow or next week more news of another shooting will rise and we will fight for gun reform or offer our thoughts and prayers, but none of it is enough. None of it is.
His law is love and his gospel is peace.
The law of this land will never bring it and peace rallies will never exhibit it. Soldiers will still miss shots on purpose. Good men will sacrifice their lives in the face of certain danger—but even a hero's death still stings. Nothing in this world will bring the peace we need. Nothing in this world.
His law is love.
And His gospel is peace.
