Not Alone

The pizza sat forgotten, refills on waters often, the sun streaming in the window as it lowered deeper and deeper toward the horizon.

We talked babies and potty-training, they leaned close if I so much as mentioned any male’s name, eager for information and possibility, we peppered one another with questions and answers and opinions, and eyes welled up with gratitude and transparency.

You are not alone, laying in the light, put out the fire in your head, the song goes. And I can’t help but think about the text messages that have flown back and forth in the past few days. These women I love so much and who love me so much.

I was nervous a year ago. I clutched the roster, reading the names of yet faceless women who would share their deepest pains and darkest struggles in only a few hours with me and one another.

I’ve led so many groups, home-groups, cell groups, small groups, family groups, whatever the catch phrase for what Church really is, but this group was different. It was filed with raw confessions and admissions of not being okay. It was the nature of the group and we were there because we were not okay. But I was still nervous because what if I came across like I was okay—then how would it go?

So it’s a surprise to me that when I think of some of the richest relationships in my life, I think of these women. It’s a surprise because we see each other rarely. But when I see their face in the crowd at church, or get a text message from one, or feel a tap on my shoulder while I sit in the back row, oh my heart. Oh, my happy heart.

The other night, four of those women, all young mamas, two carrying November babies, the youngest one of us bearing four boys, the oldest one bearing singleness, we sat in a corner booth for four hours. And we could have done it for four hours more.

There have been seasons of my life rich with fellowship, social engagements often and easy. And there have been other times when I have wept in my bed from loneliness. There have been times when the people who brought the most joy to my heart were merely around the block and other times when I have lived 17 hours from those I love most.

The season I am in, and felt in since I moved here, has felt lonely in some deep ways. Kinship, the knitting of the soul sort, tumbling over one another’s words sort, has felt like something from another decade, another life. I have gladly counted that cost and considered it a loss I would take for the sake of the gospel.

But sometimes I will think of that corner booth, put out the fires in my head, and remember that I am okay to not be okay, and that I am not alone.

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8 responses to Not Alone

  1. i can think of those same friendships. they are incredible. what a blessing. beautiful post (as usual) lore. thank GOD for beautiful friends and 4 hours wish-they-had-been-4-more corner booth conversations!

  2. Louissa Sinclair July 26, 2012 at 6:40 am

    you’re beautiful.

  3. They are a blessing. For sure.

  4. You are too. I miss you. I thought of you the other night, being with them, I thought, “Weasy would love these people.” And I missed you.

  5. These relationships are wonderful, beautiful, and worth fighting the busyness of life for. That’s my chief challenge these days but He’s faithful, true, and puts me smack dab where He wants me. Love it and love it for you as well!

  6. THanks friend. Really. I wish we had MORE TIME to get to know each other better, but I do love seeing your smile at church =)

  7. You certainly are not alone even when you feel as if you are. I do this too wondering if anyone out there really gets me. Being got is often important to my heart and my mind. I am learning to lean deeply forward into whatever style community I am part of at the time and be thankful. I love that you had a group you love. I desire a group I love and that loves me in return. It will come. Feel like I am drowning in big church, yet we stay because of The Gospel. Love your heart as always….

  8. I understand the big church thing. I do =) Just keep pressing in, talking to whoever sits next to you, reaching out to them. God’s faithful to make lasting connections!

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