You’re probably wondering how I can confidently say that 2010′s file was marked “the year everything changed for the rest of my life.” I tend to be intuitive, but even I surely can’t know that things are changed for the rest of my life.
But I won’t renege on that one. Because here’s what I’m not saying:
I’m not saying that things will never go poorly for me. I’m not saying that the void inside of me is filled, brimming over with love for others or myself or God. I’m not saying that there won’t be more death or divorce or pain or depression or suffering in life, or that the doubt that plagues the deepest parts of me, clinging to me like packing popcorn to a pea-coat, will never come again.
What I am saying is that everything changed.
At the end of 40 days of fasting where nothing changed in my heart, my soul, or my mind, I was really ready to walk away entirely. But God is a God of small details and He began to line up small things that were imperceptible to me, but which now I see were acts of His grand sovereignty.
A book called The Reason for God. A sermon called Preaching the Gospel to the Dechurched. A best friend, who tirelessly fasted with me and walked through the bible with me. A spontaneous trip to the Dallas area. A card from my Mom. My car being totaled. Taxes that put me in the red. For four months, God was sure and certainly moving me into a place of absolute emptiness.
I had nothing in mid-June. Nothing.
But I had the inklings of hope that there was something.
People want to know what made the difference in me. What changed? Did I ‘get saved’? What clicked?
And the truth is that I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to those questions. Here’s what I know: we go from glory to glory, faith to faith, and my faith has taken a long, long time to get here. There was no On switch or Ah-ha moment. There was only the sweet, gentle, sometimes painful drawing of my eyes off of me and onto Him.
What changed is that I realized that I was not living my story, but that I was living His and that His glory was the only glory that mattered. All my hopes and dreams and righteousness and labors of love were filthy rags before Him. He alone was worthy—and as long as I competed with that, I would find myself in a false gospel.
What changed is that where God had been my genie God, who I would put in my debt, and then my caricature God, whose only features were the hell-bent, fury-filled, standoffish, or selfish, that God doesn’t exist in my head or heart anymore. It’s not that there are even recesses of Him remaining. I really mean it when I say that that God doesn’t exist.
He never did, not really.
It is just the residue of what happens when I’m more set on my glory than His.
So what changed is that He doesn’t change.
Before I was concerned about my hopes and dreams, my righteousness, now I care about seeing His glory magnified, His righteousness glorified.
Before I was concerned about feeling loved and filling my void, now I am consumed with loving Him and filling my life with gratefulness for Him.
Before I would tally-mark my actions and keep score with all the “good” gifts I received and I always came up lacking, now I barely notice the good things I do (if they’re there at all!), and I’m astounded at the goodness He puts in my life.
Before I dwelt on my doubts, now I seek refuge in His wisdom.
Before I gathered my goodness, now I am grateful for His.
Before I was desperate for love, now I am overwhelmed that He chose me.
Before I fretted about finances, now I ask Him to make me poorer and His kingdom richer.
Before I was prone to depression, now I understand that He made me to feel things deeply, but to find my deepest joy in Him—and to confess my deepest fears to Him.
Before I ignored the cross, despised my sufferings, rejected grace, now I cling to the cross, treasure my suffering, and receive grace daily.
Before I worried about life turning out okay, now I long for heaven more quickly.
The difference is that in 2010 a fullness of the gospel, the parts I’d been so blind to for so many years, was revealed to me.
And my life was changed.
I love your story. God’s goodness is richly displayed in you.
Jenny, thanks so much. Truly. Thanks for coming by =)
After sitting by you in class this morning and having a desire to get to know you more, I remembered seeing a tweet about you having a blog. So I found you in blog world today and loved reading about your life and His story woven through your life. Grateful our paths have crossed. Grateful you are His.
Thank you! Really. I’m glad to sit beside you any day and can’t wait to get to know you more. Praying for you this week, for strength and courage!
Dear, dear Lore…
I’m looking forward to reading more of what is in your heart. Thank you for who you are and your willingness to put yourself out here to bless others… You’ve touched my heart today in a way I needed very desperately… to be understood by another.
I just found your blog this morning at Tony Woodlief’s recommendation – and I am SO blessed already after just reading a few of your posts! The content of your writing hits my soul deeply because so much of it parallels my own stories. Stories that I have wished over the past few years I could have adequate words to describe to others… to myself… It’s interesting to me how God has shown you and I similar things but on different dates and amounts of time in between (I’m a slower learner).
– Tracy
I just read your story (referred from A Holy Experience) and am deeply touched. I am encouraged by where you have come from and experienced with God. At a point where I am struggling with God’s goodness, I read this and have hope again — and conviction. Thank you for sharing such personal details.
i just read through your story and i’m sitting at my work desk saying, “YES!” especially in this last post where you talk about before and now. i have had so many similar thoughts to those. thank you for sharing your journey. it really meant a lot to me to read what you have gone through. your words are lovely!
Lore, thank-you for your honesty. People need honesty. Not what could be or should be, but what is.
The less we do the more God does. It took me 35 years to get it. We decrease – he increases. We’ve been so busy doing .. when we should have been busy being.
We never know what we’ll face tomorrow. But the one thing God promises is peace.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
I’m done with cranking up my lantern and shining it up. Now I let the light that’s already there – His light – burn steadily to give light for someone else.
Kathy
Kathy,
I love your comment. And I love you. I do.
Incredible story Lore! Sounds like you (and I, and many other commenters, & others in the world) experienced “Gospel Wakefulness!” It’s grand and gorgeous and devastating isn’t it? So thankful to Jared Wilson for giving me vocabulary for this experience
I really don’t know what to say but I am in awe of your story and in the ways it has resonated with my heart and how it spoke to my soul. Thank you Lore. You and your life is a blessing.
I just read through these 5 or 6 posts that make up your story, and I’m so glad I did. It gives me hope. This is similar to the journey I’m on right now, seeking for the true gospel to be more magnified and real in my life. It’s like, I know I’m not good enough, but I don’t know it well enough to be blown away by the fact that He loves and redeems me. So I’m working towards really “getting” it. Thanks for sharing.