Hey listen, you. You hiding behind your litany of projects and your mountain of responsibility. You, with your put together persona and your perfect bouts of transparency. You, who reveals little to everyone but lets the world unveil herself to you because you are perceived as trustworthy and wise. You who picks up the burdens and carries them to the next rest stop. You who goes about your duties, shirking love and fearing commitment because it means you are needed and being needed is grounds for running away.
You’re the one I’m talking to.
And I’m saying this: you can’t hide.
You cannot hide.
Because you slip away, drive away, pull into a parking lot and put your head in your hands. You don’t cry because crying doesn’t help, but you sigh and you ask what’s wrong with you? Why is it so hard to be needed? Be wanted? Be loved? And how can you be those things and still feel like none of them?
You tell yourself the lies and then you tell yourself they’re lies and then you lie to yourself again and say it will be okay, that you’ll try harder next time, that you’ll say no next time, that you won’t feel the weight of the world next time.
But you do.
You stub your toe on the “too close, too long, too much” line and you back away slowly, desperate to grab your favorites parts of you back. You’re an introvert in an extrovert’s kingdom. You feel upside down because you’re called to decrease (which you like), but you’re also called to preach and make disciples and be discipled (which you don’t like). You feel inside out, like you’re walking around with your insides out and no one points and stares, they just expect it from you. They feel that they know the real you.
Here’s my heart, you say, it’s on my sleeve.
Here’s the only thing I have to say to you:
You cannot hide because I know where to find you, you’re always near me, like a second skin, like my own breath, my own heart. You’re like me.
And once, I was like you.
You cannot hide because I emptied myself for you, taking on your form, obeyed the sentence of death on my head, for you.
And you’re not beyond me. Trust me. You, with your litany of projects and mountains of responsibility: you still need me.