It’s somewhat of an oddity to me that the most viewed entries I’ve written are: on singleness and not highly commented on.

It doesn’t bother me that comments lack (though I LOVE connecting with my readers, so if you’re reading feel free to give a shout out!), but I think it’s a bit telling that those entries are garnering high traffic with comparatively little response. Here’s my hypothesis: we’re embarrassed.

Yup. That’s it. Just that. I know, my hypotheses are highly complicated.

It’s embarrassing to be 30 and still single when your much younger friends are planning weddings or being fathers or homeschooling their kids or sending out yet another birth announcement. It’s embarrassing to be the one who hurts on the inside, just a bit, when yet another friend says “I do” and you’re the single girl in the line beside her. Not hurt at her, just that tiny twinge of longing. It’s embarrassing to ask the questions out loud and not sound like you’re complaining or longing or fearful. It’s embarrassing to not know if today’s portion is forever’s portion.

Here’s some encouragement to you, though, especially if you’re one who stumbled onto this blog because of a link to a post on singleness:

First, you’re not alone. I was in a meeting the other day with some single leaders and the percentage of singles at my church was mentioned. I did a doubletake, a say what? I go to a huge church. Well, huge for any northeasterner! But between six and nine thousand people in the DFW area call The Village Church home and of them, about 1/3 to 1/2 are single. So here’s what I want to say to you, you are not alone, even if you feel alone. You’re not. I was surprised by that number, especially since I get around, I know a lot of people, but I was suddenly staggered by how many people I don’t know! So please don’t feel alone. The facts say you’re not. Go meet some people.

Second, don’t be afraid. I don’t know what you’re afraid of. I don’t know if it’s loneliness that keeps you fearful. I don’t know if it’s the future that makes you afraid. I don’ know if it’s the fear of failure, or of being too much, or not enough. I don’t know what it is, but please don’t be afraid. We often delude ourselves into thinking that we’ll feel perfect confidence when a man takes care of us or a woman trusts us, but the truth is that you’ve already been loved perfectly and that’s the only thing that can drive away fear. Don’t be afraid of tomorrow, tomorrow is already taken care of, walk faithfully and joyfully today.

Third, don’t be embarrassed. If you’re not alone and you’re not afraid, you have nothing to be embarrassed by. You have the opportunity for community and you have the opportunity to be a confident pursuer or confidently pursued. And, sisters, even if you’re not being pursued by a man, trust me when I say that your confidence will draw other girls to pursue you for discipleship and communion. You will have the opportunity to teach them to be unembarrassed by their singleness, but to live without fear about tomorrow.

Listen, if you’re here, reading over my shoulder because you’re single and you’re looking for community or need prayer for your fear, I want to know you. I do. I know that might seem forward of me or you might not believe me, but believe me. I want to know you. You can comment here or shoot me an email me here. I will pray for or with you. I will tell you to hop on a plane and come visit me. I will try my best to encourage you. But more than that–I will point you to Jesus who is the only hope for your deepest longings to know and be known.

He’s not surprised by your singleness.

He’s not scrambling to put together a plan you’ve somehow messed up.

He’s not fumbling over details and times and dates.

And He’s not embarrassed by you.

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7 responses to

  1. This is so, so good. Good for me to read and absorb and hopefully use in blessing others. :) And those last four lines go straight to the heart. Thanks Lore.

  2. @emily! thanks so much =) See you tonight?

  3. Great post! I remember all too well those feelings! While I am still young I felt so old when I finally met my husband. What an encouragement you get to be to so many others. God is moving through you and that is good enough reason to be single (had to remind myself of that DAILY).

  4. Jana! Thanks for coming by! I'm so grateful to be in a season where I really do love the opportunity to love my singleness and encourage others in it. It's really amazing to be trusted with the gift of time, space, and independence at this point in my life!

  5. Thank you for this…I found your blog through the IT gathering posts.
    I so needed this post on singleness. I am so.very.lonely. I am so trying to go out and make community! BUT I find it so hard and frustrating sometimes. Why do I have to always feel like the outsider at church? Why are all of the sunday school classes doing a study on parenting and marriage right now? Why have I not found someone yet? I am 38…a good, kind person. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. Yet, deep down I know I am strong, kind, smart, capable, sweet, lovable amazing ENOUGH. I just want community…I want to know I have people I can call on at 2am if something happened at my house. Loneliness is so hard.

  6. Oh my goodness, girlfriend, let me assure you of the comfort from your touching words on singleness! Though none speak up, be not dismayed or alone! Your voice is one of gentle and enfolding acceptance, dispelling the mistaken shame of singleness.
    My entrance into this celibate obedience is from the other end of the stick (divorced and alone with a disabled daughter), but truth be told I have never known the love God intends. Not growing up and not in the family of my own making. A woman’s lonely heart knows no distinctions among sisters by age.
    What I would wish for is less sympathy for being “condemned to be alone, never sharing romance and intimacy” ( strangely a description of singleness I hear among my fellow believers advocating homosexual marriage, a cause I sympathize with.). What I want is not pity as if I live a blighted life, nor to be dismissed as used up at the millennial churches I attend, nor shunned as the uncomfortable fifth wheel, but rather treated as a gifted member of the Body who also needs care as for the widows and orphans. Mine is not an easy life, but it is not a forsaken one.
    Keep writing on this topic sister for all of us who as single women feel excluded from too many families.

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